Classical resolutions for 2013
On behalf of classical music, that enormous and unruly set of institutions which of course all heed what I say, I promise the following for 2013:
1. Taking a cue from the U.S. Congress, that model of sound judgment and prudent planning, all American orchestras will set a deadline of January 1, 2014 to institute sweeping and permanant changes that will stop, once and for all, the constant battles that almost drowned out the music made by those few which actually gave concerts this year (I know, an exaggeration, but that's permitted in satire). And if they don't, they should all immediately go over the "orchestral cliff" and out of business.
2. A binding truce will be called in the 100-year musical war between and among "high" culture, "low" culture, modernism, post-modernism, pre-modernism and plain old anything-ism. As the late Rodney King would have said, "can't we all play along?"
3. Decisions about what music is and is not important, significant, relevant and, you know, good, will no longer be made by composers, performers, presenters, professors, critics or even bloggers. Starting this year, they will be made by the audience.
4. After an appropriate 12-year period of mourning, the music of the 20th century will be laid to rest in 2013 alongside that of all previous centuries, and henceforth will only be exhumed and performed when the audience asks for it (see no. 3).
5. Anyone classical insider who thinks things are just fine, and that we should just keep going along the way we are, should immediately be ordered to attend 12 sessions (one for each note) of denial therapy. The costs of these sessions will be withdrawn from the salaries of any classical professional who has publicly advocated for more public funding for classical music.
6. Every participant in classical music at any level will do something positive every day to propel the art form ahead. Every participant who persists in holding the art form back will be cut loose and ignored.
7. Anyone caught saying that classical music is superior to the other kinds will be required to affix to their clothing a large scarlet S. Which stands for "snob."
8. Anyone who replies to any of these blog posts, positively, negatively or anything in-between, will receive the blessings of the classical gods (and one classical blogger). And happy new year and happy listening to all!